No Backing Out Now

These last three months have truly been the happiest three months of my life so far. Having Chandler by my side has been everything I dreamt of since we started dating. When you’re in a relationship and you’re happy, sometimes you fall into what I like to call happy eating habits. You know, you go on dates and share ice creams and get pizza together. Typically, when we are both in the same city, it’s for only a few days and we always pig out. So, when we started living together, some of those tendencies stayed present despite their un-sustainability. Not to mention, being in a city for the first time, why wouldn’t you want to try all the fun places that the food blogs mentioned?

As I started shopping, I noticed that my clothes sizes weren’t fitting the way they used to.. In my state of denial, I attributed that to the fact that a. UK girls are tiny, and b. size numbers are a little different in every country. But, when I got to Hong Kong, dresses I bought during my last visit were tight in places they didn’t used to be and it got me thinking…

Being a blogger means that I get to express myself through my clothes. So, it’s probably the worst feeling in the world when you’re in the dressing room with all these clothes that you would love to wear but can’t. For example, I wish so badly that I could pull off mom jeans, but right now they make me look like a floating paper bag, so no. At first I was all like “oh that’s just my body type, I’ll just have to get over the idea of ever wearing mom jeans.” But fuck that, right?

Standing in the dressing room in Hong Kong, looking at this beautiful dress that couldn’t possibly fit me, I realized that I’m tired of living in a world where the clothes I want to wear are right in front of me, but I can’t have them. Even when I work at LF, I’m always telling my clients that these are the clothes that I would wear if I had their bodies. I think through blogging it just finally hit me that I can have whatever body I damn well please, and I don’t actually have to live in this constant state of disappointment because I had to settle for the dress that fit, and not the one I really wanted.  As my Dad says, you have to hammer a nail to get it into the wood. So, I decided that it was time to pound the hammer and work to get the body I’ve always wanted, so I can stop denying myself the joy of shopping.

I’ve never had full confidence in myself because I always felt like something was missing, and I think that was because I was never 100% happy with the way that I looked. I don’t claim to know the first thing about working out and changing eating habits. I’m not writing this post because I want to blog about that stuff. I’m writing this because you don’t see a lot of bloggers who are above a size zero, and thus have never talked about how difficult it is to love fashion if you’re not a size two. As someone who loves to eat, this is definitely going to be a challenge. But, one I’m willing to do if that means I don’t have to love fashion from afar.

I have been a little nervous to write this because if I posted about it online, then it would become real. I would actually have to stick to my shit and achieve my goals. Well, no backing out now…

4 thoughts

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